Understanding your self worth when you don’t think you have any is hard as fuck. Like for some reason we’ve been conditioned to just be nice to people regardless of how they are. Be kind. Share. Pay it forward. But rarely ever are we taught to set boundaries & not let people fuck with us. Bosses take advantage of your work ethic. Parents take advantage of your position as their child. Friends take advantage of you always being there for them. So, we become soft as hell. People walk all over us & we complain. We’re not taught to value ourselves. We think we don’t have enough self worth to respect ourselves & set boundaries & say no. Not setting healthy boundaries will either make you a pushover or make you so angry you’re just mean to everyone. No balance. I’ll be the first to say I never set any boundaries with anybody because I was never taught to. For as long as I can remember, growing up it was “because i said so” “because you have to” even when I didn’t want to do something I knew I just wasn’t comfortable doing. So how do you set healthy boundaries without pissing people off ? You can’t. Someone will always be mad at you for respecting yourself. Oh well. Let’s learn how to set them anyways.
Say No– & i know it’s easier said than done but seriously. If you don’t want to. Don’t. Don’t explain yourself. That’s doing too much. I don’t want to, that’s it. If something makes you uncomfortable, unhappy, affects your mental health in anyway. It is 100% okay to say no. We will put ourselves in the worst situations to not upset others, but now, we are upset. You’re not doing things from a genuine place, which means it won’t even be done right.
Understand yourself– give yourself credit for how good of a person you are. Value your work ethic. Value yourself as a friend, a sibling, a son/daughter, a partner, an employee. When you learn that you are worth being respected. You understand that things certain things are not good for you & you are allowed to refuse service to anybody who comes in trying to disturb your peace or sanity. But you have to see it for yourself first.
Be selfish– & i don’t mean like be a complete dick to people just because you don’t want to do something but think about yourself & the consequences that will be caused to you & ONLY YOU, when you do something just to please someone else. Now listen i don’t mean like, don’t watch that romantic comedy with your girlfriend because you think it’s corny but she likes it. What I mean is don’t go to that party with 1000 people when you have severe social anxiety & get panic attacks when you’re around too many people just because your friend wants to go out. Don’t make yourself sick just to make someone else happy.
Accept the inevitable– Our biggest fear in setting boundaries is that people will be mad at us or people will stop being our friends. Fear confirmed. It’s true. You will lose a lot of people. But did you really want people around you who don’t respect you? Did you want friends who are only friends with you when you do what they want? I promise you. No you don’t. You don’t want a job where your boss takes advantage of you just because you need the job. Setting healthy boundaries will help you find out who’s worthy of being in your life & who is just in your life to drain you of your kindness.
Don’t Mend your boundaries– Once you’ve set the boundaries. There are no exceptions. Police line do not cross type shit is what I mean. We start to feel bad & are like well i guess this one time is okay & then the next time & then the next time. And then we get upset as to why people aren’t respecting our boundaries. Uh, because you set them, then didn’t respect them so why would anybody else respect them, duh!
Look, I know this might be super problematic because you’re like BUT ROSSY YOU DONT GET IT. Let me guess, it’s your mom, it’s your best friend of years, you need that job. Cool. So don’t set boundaries. You don’t have to listen to me. That is setting a boundary. See what I did there. If your best friend overwhelms you, tell them. If your parent is violating or doing things that make you uncomfortable, address that. We cannot continue to be miserable to spare other people’s feelings. And if you’re the overwhelming friend, please understand not always does your friend want to listen to you complain about everything. My sister taught me that others negativity can sometimes add to your depressive state so like if you’re depressed & your friend keeps complaining about everything & is just always miserable, it can bring you down even if it has nothing to do with you. Your brain just be like okay, guess we sadder now. So set those boundaries. With EVERYONE. It starts with you understanding how much you are worth & not letting anybody treat you less than that.